08 / 26 / 2021
So so so much has happened in 4 days of school. The biggest being this... On Tuesday a guy I remember from Sophomore year came up and asked to be in my group for a 7-week project English IV is doing and over the course of 2 days has talked to me a lot of facebook and seen me a lot in person. But in these 2 days he has gotten way to close. He asked to hug me, which I don't mind but, we've known eachother for two days? So not a fan. Then he walked me to my bus which was sketchy and at that point, I figured out how he felt. I told him that I'm not interested in dating but I would enjoy still being friends and now he's rather blunt and I assume mad based off the tone of it all. I thought he was very attractive, which is a rariety with men, but I can't go from being strangers 2 days ago to downright being a couple. I just cant. For me to even feel comfortable with the thought of dating someone I need to be friends with them for a longgg time. I want to know them like the back of my palm. Maybe if it was all done another way I might've dated him? But I have no clue. I really don't know myself when it comes to dating. I feel like I just do whatever because I don't want to make the other upset.

All night at work I was upset at myself because what? Because I couldn't date him, I couldn't do what he so obviously wanted. But I shouldn't be mad at myself! I set a boundary and I said my truth. Sometimes I wish there were robots of me that could take over and lead out lifes I don't want.

It's all so confusing. I don't want to dedicate myself to someone because that takes a lot of energy and I don't have much these days. Most of it is spent trying to not go crazy from going to school, working non-stop, and being on little sleep. Because sometimes honestly I want to just stop it all. I get so tired and I feel so depressed. It all goes in waves but I wish it would stop.

Girls are attractive, guys are attractive like 5% of the time, and I don't want kids, and I don't want some huge family. Some people called me selfish because of it. I can't give out my life for a baby or children. It's just not for me. So I fear that if I ever possibly get in a relationship with a guy that'll be what he wants and it'll be my dealbreaker. So if this is how it'll go down, why even try? Why do anything? If I know that this is how the narrative will go then I should make it all easy on myself and do nothing with it.

I just want to blossom into what I want to do, which is computer development and engineering. Whilst doing this I would also love to find my fucking will to live. Since it keeps going back to the same decision, do I want to do all this? is life even for me? Why does everything feel the way it feels if life is supposed to be such a blessing?

ALSO another guy in my digitalmedia class keeps trying to get me alone, he keeps looking me up and down and stares at me a lot and AGHH ITS ANNOYING. I don't want anything to do in that manner with anyone. I just don't feel like dating period. Senior year is the worst time to in my opinion, that's when everyone is making sure their life is together, delving into a relationship would kick that to the curb and kick family right in. Which it's obvious by now, sounds like hell to me.

But I look forward to tomorrow when I get home because I'm going to sleep all evening because I don't want to deal with anything and everything and I'm just so tired and I wish I didn't have to see this guy tomorrow because he'll probably ignore me and now my group projects going to shit and I hope I remember nothing of it!

Summarizes the past 2 weeks
10:07 p.m

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