08 / 18 / 2021
Today's been reaaalllll hard.

When I talked to my therapist the other day, I told her about having constant insomnia and she said I'd have to go to my psychiatrist soon if it isn't fixed in the next 2 - 3 weeks. She said it'd be easy to spiral from it because of the mania which comes out easily before I sleep and the inability to think straight due to lack of sleep but... I think I have been spiraling LOL. I am not doing good! and then next week I work five days AND have school five days, I am going to dissociate the whole time since it's just work over and over and over, literally I blink twice and it's a new day and I have summer homework to do which I procrastinated on. So now here's how my day goes...

1. wake up super fucking late or be up from not sleeping any
2. Take care of chores
3. work on paintings for AP Studio Art
4. Get ready for work
5. Work
6. Work more on paintings
7. Sit there and stare at the ceiling for hours

I am just so tired and I'm having issues with eating. Food just doesn't taste good anymore, it feels foreign to me. Everytime I eat I make myself only eat half since that's how much I allow myself to have? Like having 2 slices of pizza is too much because I don't deserve those 2 slices, I only deserve 1. Then tonight I was like, I eat dinner tonight then I don't tomorrow to have it even out? what? I don't know why I think of it that way. I don't even want to mention the other stuff I did, way too graphic for the void of the internet.

Pretty dissapointed in myself.
11:59 p.m