01 / 10 / 2022
I had my All-district orchestra concert and practices this past week. They made me SO exhausted. At first I didn't like our clinition (conductor) but I grew to like her more towards the end. I met some cool people through it and had fun, but I won't lie I'm glad its over. I ordered a CD of it so that should hopefully be in my hands in a few weeks. I'm glad to be doing more mature things with violin though.. It's so refreshing.

Let me lead you through my past four days...
- I lay in bed one night and decide that i want to be skinnier, keep in mind I already am, but I wanna be scrawny. So, I make this instagram account and mention having ED and SH problems and I gain tons of followers and put together the plan of loosing weight as fast as possible.
- I wake up the next day and ditch the idea, I don't need to do this! I am perfectly healthy and deserve food, we all do.
- The day passes, at night time I'm mad at myself and plan to start tomorrow and do it all better.
- I eat nothing, I walk 3 miles, I listen to stand up poetry on anorexia and watch shows that depict it
- and here we are... I decided to delete said instagram account and I choose to eat today instead of starving myself

WHY THE FUCK?? >: -( literally why is it when I ditch one form of self harm I start another? Damn, I must love self-sabotaging. I don't understand it. This cool online friend I have told me to never take the easy path and I'm trying that. I really am. This morning I woke up and felt like I was hit by a train. It was crazy, my undereye bags were so large. It reminded me of last year when I was super duper depressed, I always looked like I had no sleep, ever. But I'm attempting to look up.

I work tonight and I don't really wanna but I am going to. Money yeah? Woo hoo. I'm hoping work goes well, it probably will, but I just want to end the evening on a high note.