07 / 25 / 2021
I don't know how I've been doing. I feel like I go through the day in a haze, if someone asks me if something is wrong I just smile and say I've been well. but I don't know if I am well. I don't even know what I am. I go through everyday just flowing and then I sit down and become acutely aware of how not okay I am. I break down and sob and then for some unknown reason I am wanting to self-harm, starve myself, change myself, just not be here. I hate it so much! Why does this happen? Why is it happening to me? I go to the gym, I eat, I wake up, shower, do my makeup, do literally everything I can to live... yet, I feel so stuck.
Recently, I have been having nightmares. If you want to hear this one, read on, if not, proceed further to more grey...
I was walking in a Walmart and everyone was informed that the end of the world was here, right now, in the next few hours. I was with my mom, sister, brother, and grandma and I asked her, How do I stay alive!?! and she just told me to be grateful, that the Rapture was upon us and Jesus was here to save her, maybe not me... But her, so she felt content. Everyone in Walmart was screaming, running, grabbing for anything and everything they've every wanted and needed. Places were being robbed, people were being raped, murders were happening everywhere. it was literal Hell on Earth. They said that a tsunami was hitting everywhere, that there would be absolutely NO chance that anyone could possibly make it out alive. Political parties were telling people, "If you pay us all you have, if you are willing to be enternally in debt, then we WILL SAVE YOU!" and people were promising others their life. I was having vivid flashes on dying, sitting on a cot with my mom. Crying in her arms as she coddles me and we weep. I decided that, I would kill myself. My will to live isn't great enough to see if I'll maybe... just maybe... survive it. So I planned to do what many others were doing. I would take a gun to my head and blow my brains out. Suicide was everywhere aswell, as people found that drowning and being hit by the force of a tsunami was too painful. Next thing I know, I'm on this beach and the tsunami is extremely high, my family is around me and they are all scared, reacting in their own ways. As the large wave comes down, right before it hits, I pull the trigger.
I woke up from that nightmare shaking and couldn't sleep further. It wasn't fun. But moving on to other things, I gave my sister her first tattoo and I got finger tattoos! It was very painful, but I like them a lot. I really like tattoos, I'm not someone who would get very coherent sleeves but I like the patchwork style, just random stuff that I personally like everywhere. Like a cat with fairy wings... I saw that on Pinterest, very cute and would 100% get. But this week I am planning on watching some American Horror Story, the Roanoke season? Since it's got Sarah Paulson in it, god I love that woman. But I am also planning to work on a crochet blanket that I'm making! I'm getting pretty far with it, and I'm really digging it. In 2 or 3 weeks I'm am going to go Back to School shopping for the last time... Woah, I am a senior man. It feels wack 0 _ 0 ... But anywho, it's getting late and I want to get some other things done since I can't sleep again! My head keeps telling me no no no so I got that going on. But Night me! <3