The third time I went to the psych ward I met him. I loved his winks from across the room and his smile. He was the only one to actually wear regular clothes and not lounge wear, which I found a little funny. I spent 8 days there and he got released the day after I did. We exchanged phone numbers during our stay and went to hangout the day after he got out. I really liked him. His walk and his talk, I felt like I was in a soapy romantic movie where everything just clicks in one second and everything is magical for the rest of my life. But how wrong could I be.
We were together fully for almost a year. I went down to Texas twice with him and his friends. I met his family who I loved. His mom considered me apart of it, shes really nice and sweet. But it was a gamble, our relationship, it is off and on. I always wanted him to change because I wasn't being loved the way I wanted. I didn't think it was that hard. I just wanted love letters, roses, affection, compliments, a hopeless romantics dream. He gave me some of those things yes, but it never fit my criteria. I didn't think I was being harsh either because what I wanted was simple, easy, cost almost nothing. But for some reason he couldn't do that. It was only once we broke up did he bring me flowers. Now that i think on that it makes me really upset. Why couldn't you have done that during out relationship? What was so hard that you couldn't do those things. I don't know. But I broke up with him 4 times, and I'm back again. It's like a never ending cycle that I have to live through. If I leave him again I wouldn't do it until I had a stable career. With enough money to get an apartment. Which won't be for another year atleast. So, I'll be struggling to not being loved how I want for a long time. It's going to be hard to deal with someone who isn't giving me what I want. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. It feels like too much. I have other people trying to shove it in my face. Like I'm a dumbass. It pisses me off. I wish they'd shut the fuck up. I can't deal with both at once.
But, with how much I am annoyed at times by A, I can't get over him. I'm intoxicated in a love that I like. Even if I'm being broke down at times and even if it kills me. I hope that overtime he'll change. He seems to want too. Especially in helping me out with money and sex. I just hope the feeling of desperation and want become better over time and I enjoy being with him more. I just feel he has some stuff to work on.