I know that they go by another name now. But I don't remember what it is as I haven't read the letter they last gave to me for a long time. I miss them. By no means am I saying I'll by their side once again. But I just miss it. The video games, cuddling, laughter, love letters. I've never had such beautiful letters. Made out of homemade paper and dried pressed flowers. I felt intoxicated with love. I remember how they still gave me a birthday gift even after we split. While our story does end rather rough and dirty I still reminence on the good. How we would share a document over 200 pages long. Filled of glee and sadness. Discovering ourselves in new lights which deeply affected us both, and talking on the hot topics going around in school. I know they have a Neocities. If they ever read this here's what I have to say.

I hope lifes treating you beautifully. I hope your new journeys treat you well and I hope you flourish and blossom even further as you age. I know you feel better now than you used to. I'm proud of you for that. I know it's tough to overcome mental illness. I've actually been overcoming mine too. I wish we could be friends now. I don't know if you'd ever want that since I know we ended poorly. But, I just miss the idea of you. I hope your aesthetic is making you feel true to yourself and I hope that life is treating you well. I know you'll do great things. Just know that i wish you luck in everything.


I never fucking got his guy. Everything initially seemed okay. He was into musicals, singing, and playing viola. Which were all things that I was also interested in. We hung out a little bit... Went to the gym together... I REALLY liked his mom. She was incredibly sweet. He was really into Super Smash Bros. Which I don't think is a bad game? It just gets boring to me really easily. But he would leave me to sit on his bed while he played video games and I'd just stare at the wall. Wondering if I'm doing anything wrong to not be given attention. Then I was very new to sex and fetishes. He had a huge foot fetish. I didn't find it insane or anything. I was just uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy and sexual advances at that age to really care much. But I allowed him to rub my feet. It's nice and feels good so I didn't think anything crazy of it. But here's where it goes wrong. I fell asleep on his bed and woke up with him sucking my toes. I was so embarrased and scared. Like he did this without me knowing?

But I saw him at a music event that I was performing at around a year ago. It was really nice to see him. He has a massive glow up and smilied at me gently. I smiled back. But I just wish him well with life. He posts a lot of instagram videos of him singing that I check up on every once in a while. It's cool.


The third time I went to the psych ward I met him. I loved his winks from across the room and his smile. He was the only one to actually wear regular clothes and not lounge wear, which I found a little funny. I spent 8 days there and he got released the day after I did. We exchanged phone numbers during our stay and went to hangout the day after he got out. I really liked him. His walk and his talk, I felt like I was in a soapy romantic movie where everything just clicks in one second and everything is magical for the rest of my life. But how wrong could I be.

We were together fully for almost a year. I went down to Texas twice with him and his friends. I met his family who I loved. His mom considered me apart of it, shes really nice and sweet. But it was a gamble, our relationship, it is off and on. I always wanted him to change because I wasn't being loved the way I wanted. I didn't think it was that hard. I just wanted love letters, roses, affection, compliments, a hopeless romantics dream. He gave me some of those things yes, but it never fit my criteria. I didn't think I was being harsh either because what I wanted was simple, easy, cost almost nothing. But for some reason he couldn't do that. It was only once we broke up did he bring me flowers. Now that i think on that it makes me really upset. Why couldn't you have done that during out relationship? What was so hard that you couldn't do those things. I don't know. But I broke up with him 4 times, and I'm back again. It's like a never ending cycle that I have to live through. If I leave him again I wouldn't do it until I had a stable career. With enough money to get an apartment. Which won't be for another year atleast. So, I'll be struggling to not being loved how I want for a long time. It's going to be hard to deal with someone who isn't giving me what I want. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. It feels like too much. I have other people trying to shove it in my face. Like I'm a dumbass. It pisses me off. I wish they'd shut the fuck up. I can't deal with both at once.

But, with how much I am annoyed at times by A, I can't get over him. I'm intoxicated in a love that I like. Even if I'm being broke down at times and even if it kills me. I hope that overtime he'll change. He seems to want too. Especially in helping me out with money and sex. I just hope the feeling of desperation and want become better over time and I enjoy being with him more. I just feel he has some stuff to work on.