01 / 10 / 2025

I watched Young Frankenstein (1974) last night with some of my family and I started internalizing the movie. I love doing that. It's like I get sucked into the screen and I'm there with the actors.
I enjoyed the quick-witted humor and instrumentation the most. The movie made me want to focus more on vintage fashion and beauty. I have a big heart for everything 40's - 70's, so I pin rolled my hair last night and I tried to put together a very flowy outfit for the day. I think I'm going to start pin rolling my hair more.

I have picked up so many hobbies that sometimes I'm a little stressed out about it. Currently I'm working on a tapestry crochet sweater, a handmade bracelet, learning to knit an in the round sweater, and working through 3 books. I get stressed but at the same time comparison is not the thief of joy anymore. I know people who don't do anything fun in their free times. They don't read, write, craft, learn... Just watch tv and eat and sleep and rot away. I'm going to rot away too but atleast once I'm gone there is going to be something to stand in the way of who I was, so people and nature can still recognize me amist my absence.

I saw a video the other day of fictosexual commemorating their marriage with a fictional anime girl. Me and her are from the same palm. I think about what the most romantic thing in my life is currently and it's the snippets of fanfics, shows, and games of my favorite anime/video game men... Now that I've typed that I feel a little pathetic... BUT, I think that's good considering where I'm at with life.

I have this friend who isn't really a friend anymore but closer to an entity of just, fog, that I've had a very complex relationship with. How he treated me growing up set up my expectations of love and when it was obvious him and I weren't going to date when we were friends early on I tried to date other people. It never seemed to really do it for me though, I always sought what he did for me through them which caused me to date for potential and to be overly people pleasing in the hope that my partner would "shape up" and treat me how I wanted.
The past two years have been a game of how quickly can I catch up to an avoidant and how can I formulate the perfect sentence so he doesn't leave again. I never did formulate the right sentence.
But I don't think I'll ever see him again. Last year I thought he died at a point, becoming completely apathetic to life once believeing this, I was contemplating why someone I cared for so much, someone who did so much for me, who I adored, died?

He didn't actually die. I found this out about 3 months later when he tried coming into my life again. I learned through this experience which faults I only place slightly on my shoulders is to listen to when someone tells you to leave. I didn't want to believe all these things he told me he was. I knew him so little that I romanticized every empty crevice I could.
He was never real was he?

8:07 p.m