12 / 25 / 2021
Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas. It is literally 65 degrees outside and like usual my family has drama going on which prevents even a spark of joy in anyone. Something that did go well is me giving my mom and I tattoos today. We both got heart spider webs! Hers is on her ankle and mine is on my hand. It hurt like a mother woo! But, I'm glad I did it! It feels nice.
I still managed to self harm today... The idea struck me as I was listening to my vinyl. I was just like, "I kinda wanna cut myself." So I did. And I feel nothing. I don't feel shame for it. Even though my parents beg for me not to do it and I have this great friend who tells me to think before I do. I don't feel pain from it. Even though I am physically digging into myself harshly in a downward stabbing motion. I don't feel anything. I wish I did. Even if it was painful, feeling something would tell me that I am still living. Look, I know I'm alive. Hell I'm typing this! But I just feel so fake and so weird. I've been detached from a lot of stuff recently and I don't feel depressed but I certaintly ain't happy. I'm just going through the motions.
Anyways, let's hope I don't cut in the fucking shower, or before I sleep, or when I wake up.. Let's hope! Here's my tattoo with my kitty Gizmo. :- (