08 / 31 / 2021
I hate calories. I've been at the same weight for the past 5 months or so? I've been going to the gym and doing strength training and running but i saw just a little bit of the results that I want. My mom today got me a small pack of Oreos and 4 of them is almost 500 calories. Damn. I really want to lose maybe 10-15 lbs? I'm in normal BMI but I just want to look leaner? Last school year I really liked how I looked. I weighed a little less than I do now. My face gains some fullness when I weigh a little more. In my cheekbones and jaw. I talk about my weight as if I'm needing to cut back or change something because what I'm doing isn't good but, I look just fine? I'm skinny and that should be good enough but I think about how I'd look if I did a Calorie Deficiet and stuck with it. 1500 - 1700 calories a day, constantly, I would look amazing. I would really see the goals that I am striving towards.

I just don't know. I did a Calorie Deficiet a month or so ago for three weeks and it went really good! I didn't think about food much, I just ate meals routinely and that was that. But when fast food, junk food, just about anything processed, comes in front of me the calories are crazy and I just can't eat it. A meal at ANY fast food joint is atleast 1K calories. Which is just nuts to me. Because me and my brother have explored non-gmo, gluten free, vegan food and you can make a pizze for 300 CALORIES!! Like BRUH. It is so much better for you and I really want to stick to that sorta stuff. But my parents get in these moods where we'll have fast food a few times a week for a few weeks and it drives me nuts, thinking that this dinner that I'm eating is literally all the calories that I need for that day.

I think I will just stick to making things for myself and not eating the schools stuff. It'll be a lot better in the long run. Also, drinking a glass of water before meals and chewing gum often help ease hunger and the water trick helps with not eating too much. I'll be 100% implementing these things into my routine.

I just feel like there is so much power in food and it's effects. One of my family members, Aunt Steph, can't even walk because of her weight and she has a lot of health problems and I'm scared for her. My grandma ate her feelings horribly and it's a trait that almost every woman in my family has but me. I just feel scared because sometimes I think about, What if I come to look this or that way and the answer to that is that I wouldn't even be able to look at myself. I would probably kill myself over it. Since I've thought on this many times and that is always the solution I come to. I know there are plenty of other options but I don't know.

I think everyone around me looks absolutely stunning. No matter their size, shape, color, style, everyone looks so good. But I just feel like I never will. I won't look good, atleast to myself, until I reach this huge goal. But then the realization will set in that it's all temporary. I won't always look like that. Then what would come next? Will I work to death to obtain this constant look or will I become content with just letting it go? Focusing on something more important? Eh..
10:00 p.m

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