08 / 15 / 2021
I'm kinda just waiting around for school to start. I hate having so much free time, it leads me to writing list upon list of what I want to complete and I end up staring at the ceiling, completing nothing. I've tried to meditate more but it's hard when my family is so loud and all over the place. I want to complete these little scholarships that I see online, but they require these vast essays that I don't want to put time into, I'm not ready to think what's right to say, what's wrong to say? I just want more time to not feel stressed. While writing this though, I feel stressed. So it's all a little confusing.
While at the gym today, I did leg day which obliterated me, and I also ran a mile and reached a new PR with it! So that's one cool thing to think about. But I felt real sick afterwards so I went outside to walk around. In the 2 minutes I was outside this guy in a black SUV came up and asked me if I worked out with my boyfriend where I replied, No, it's my brother and he told me that I was gorgeous and he really thought I performed well in the gym with lifting which made me think, why the fuck are you staring at me and he just looked me up and down. He asked me how old I was and I told him that I was in highschool and he whistled and asked for my age, with my small pea sized brain I told him my real age and he told me... Just think about it, you aren't underage and I find you awfully pretty. I'll give you some time..
I better never see this fucking guy again. I will kick his knees in. Aghh it just makes me mad. Me minding my own buisness and someone comes to reign on my parade and this has happened A LOT!! Last time this happened, a guy ran after me. I really need to buy pepper spray. I would buy a pocketknife but that's already a definite no.
But I am so distraught on where I want to take my next step. Like I don't want to live in MO for my whole life, I want to see stuff and settle somewhere where I would find joy in it's growth and land. I just want to be content in where I go and what I do. It's almost hard for me to think ahead in life. Because considering relapse and how I feel at times. I feel that at some time in the next decade I'll attempt suicide again and to be honest, I can see it happening soon. I just get to these crazy lows then bam happiness is all I see. To succeed would be bad I guess. But I don't think badly on death, I see it as something to look forward to, as an expansion of whatever comes next, even if it is just darkness and emptiness I think I'd be content with it. I think though that this mindset doesn't do me good since I think about it a lot. But to reflect on how I felt back in March and April is weird. At that point I just wanted anything that wasn't what I had then, where the only answer was blowing my brains out or overdosing on something or doing whatever else, there's plenty of options there. But something I find so ridiculous is how I was popping pills just because, because maybe it would just take me out of the blue and I'd foam at the mouth and be gone and then the next minute I was happy and adored everything around me. Following this I woke up the day after I said I would do it and was okay, I felt good and free and everything was well again. But I don't know, I hate thinking about suicide because then it manifests itself into my reality and here I am doing stuff I know I shouldn't be doing and it just spirals over and over until my meds are fixed again or I'm caught in the act. But it's just the reality of it right now. I feel weird being vulnerable about this because what if someone I go to school with reads this? That would be weirddd. I would also completely hate myself if my family sees this. I will delete all the digital footprint I got if family sees this man. Also, something I find funny before I end this, my last entry I was so so very happy and now? Who knows 0 __ 0 But anywho, bye for now.