09 / 27 / 2021

I can't sleep which is so so SO MUCH FUN! I can feel my eyes sag with every blink I take, yet right as my head hits my pillow I'm eyes wide open, starting at my box fan which is blowing in my face.

I bought a homecoming dress the other day. It's this tight sparkly green dress, with silver sparkling jewelry to accompany. I don't know if I'm going to homecoming or not, I don't know anything right now, but I bought it because, why not? . I am going to try to get my driving license this week. I feel real ready for it all, I have actually came to really enjoy driving. It's relaxing and I also like listening to music while I do. Though today, after the gym, someone tried to side-swipe me while leaving the gym with my brother.

That guy that asked me out, who liked me a ton after 2 days, yeah he said he was switching to online school. I told him that it's all really isolating and that I thought it wasn't smart since he's struggled with depression and sucidal ideation. But he went on to say there was nothing left for him. He supposedly asked this girl for her number last week and she laughed in his face and walked away. Then he also brought up how I said no to dating him. He went on to talk about how lucky his friends were, they both have dedicated girlfriends yet it seems to him that he just "wasn't meant for it". He said it's obvious that he'll never get one so why bother? I talked to him a lot about it and how he is literally 17, like your life hasn't even started, but he just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole. I'm down with helping him, but I'm not going to sit here and say the same things over and over. He tried guilt-tripping me into being with him since he is "so lonely and wants to cuddle with someone" but I'm not going to bother with it all now, I'm wasting my time trying to help someone who doesn't want it and is stuck to their ideals.

I saw a friend at their job today and I remembered that I haven't spoke to them in a long time, I was really happy to see them doing well and having a job. I didn't go out of my way to talk to them because they were busy but I went into my messages with them and saw that I never replied to their text in August. I feel really bad, I totally forget to message people back and I often isolate myself with messaging, idk, I just really hope they respond. Since I do care about how they are doing, I feel like such a dope.

I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. This fantasy keeps popping in my head that once I am driving I can go to the store and buy those huge razor blades, because then maybe I can indulge in bad habits and can just go nuts. But I don't know.
11:55 p.m

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