09 / 16 / 2021
Having a tough time currently with some stuff. Bad habits just love to come around again and again don't they? I was supposed to renew my permit today so I could drive some before I get my license in a few weeks, but my time for renewal expired so I have to go back tomorrow and take the written test. I'm not nervous for it? Since I can drive just fine everywhere, it's just the technical stuff that they get you on. The stuff that you literally never need again after taking the test. But, my sister took it today and she passed! So that is very epic for her.
I haven't been feeling real up to stuff lately.. In broadcasting today, everyone was talking about doing voice-overs on tracks and improving our editing with Adobe Pro and typically I'm very extroverted in there and start all the conversations. But today I realized I was really quiet, and it occurred to me when everyone was laughing about how some stuff was shot and I was just sitting there, silent. I wish sadness wasn't so comfortable. When you fall back into it you can't be mad at it or throw a fit because it is so familiar and warm. It's something you know, so you have nothing to be afraid of. I don't know what to do about it either. Supposedly my script for my medicine was wrong so I could be taking way to much or the pharmacy could've just messed up on it. I'm now on 900mg of Seroquel. Here's how it goes... My daily dose of Seroquel is increased by 2x, then I take it for a few weeks, then I have a hypomanic episode and I can't sleep, I can't act right, I get really mad or excited, and I'm just not me. Then it is increased again. This is the last time they can increase it though so if it doesn't work long term we have a back-up plan. I don't know what it is, but my psychologist told me that it would need to be watched extremely closely because it would be putting me on a new bipolar med and it can go haywire really fast.
I don't mind school right now but I just, feel defeated. I am so tired of walking in crowded hallways where people are up my ass, i hate that just me walking through a door made a girl try to fight me, I hate this "devious lick" trend because some of the bathrooms are shut down, i got dress coded because I was wearing a tank top?, and I just feel like I'm trying so hard for some people to like me or see me in this light which isn't the real me. I just don't know.
I just really wish I could take a vacation right now and leave everything behind. I'm so worried about this and that and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of being anxious, insecure, and depressed. I'm just tired of trying right now.