Seasonal Depression

When Fall first started I thought that I was doing really well. I was enjoying myself, the people I talked to were cool, I had energy a little more than half the time but now? I don't know how I'm doing. I think I'm going downhill.
Barely a few days ago I was hurting myself and crying to songs about suicide thinking maybe I'll do it.. Then the next day I didn't think about it much and I thought to myself, "Wow! I feel so good today". I automatically think I'm better and that nothing was wrong in the first place. I am in the dirt one day then the next I am flying alongside the clouds.
I don't understand myself. I want to die so bad but there isn't anything that I hate aboout myself. I just am so tired that I long for it.
As we progress into winter I know I'm going to lose myself. I don't know when. But it's coming soon. Even if I dont, I know that when Christmas day is here and I've spent that time with my family and I've ate a lot of food. I'll sit outside and stare out at the snow with hot tears rolling down my face.
It's always during winter time. Though, I look forward to when I do. I become happier. I can be so careless.
I feel it's horrible to say but I can't wait for it to just