10 / 11 / 2021
I'm driving now! The driving test wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was 15 minutes long and I even failed parallel parking lol. It's really nice to be driving, really. I think the only downside I've come upon so far is that my CD plater skips, so there goes my 50 CDs I've collected. I still got a CD Player in my room, I just wished the one in my car worked. Anywho, I have a bluetooth transmitter, so I can still listen to what I want.
Homecoming is this weekend, I don't really know what I am going to be doing when I am there, other than stand there for a while just taking everything in. Besides that though, school is going good. There isn't much to stress about and I'm getting all my work turned in on time soooo, good.
Tomorrow I have 3 big things going on.
1. Doctor checkup & Blood draw
2. Psychologist appointment
I'm really liking the weather right now, it's dreary, cold, and dark.. I love it. Layering is one of my favorite things to do, it just adds a lot of depth and fun to what you choose to wear, I also really like tights, scarfs, and gloves. So it is just an added + to life.
On Thursday I am hanging out with one of my friends, I'm really excited. I'm planning on having us walk around some trails or something. I think it would be a lot of fun, and considering the weather right now, it'll be nice! Maybe I can buy us some hot drinks afterwards, since it'll be chilly. The perfect combo. I'm a little nervous, but I am really looking forward to knowing them more face to face, compared to over texts and phonecalls. This is all a big thing that I am looking forward to.
I keep having issues with eating. For about a week straight I ate under 1000 cal a day because I felt really gross, so I felt good doing that because, I obviously lost a few lbs through that. But then the next week I was like, "I've already been anorexic before, let's not." Since I do know about the consequences of it. So, now I go to the gym about 5 days a week, and I feel like I am eating tons. Going from nothing to actually eating 3 meals and a snack a day seems so huge. It makes me feel like I'm a binge eater, but I'm not. Since I'm not eating just to eat and it doesn't hurt when I eat. I don't know, I have such a warped perception of body image. My mom and grandma and their unhealthy habits which got passed down to my sister, I feel scared of being fat. It just makes me upset. I know how to eat in a proper manner, I know what I need to do to gain muscle and become more lean, but my heart feels so pained.
My mom just got this phonecall about the McCoy Award, which is an award that the school gives out to the top of class. She thought it was for my sister andmy sister was like, "Yes!!! : -D" and I hated to break the news to them, but it was for me. They got this same phonecall last year for me, it is typically celebreated Junior Year, but COVID effected that. I felt like shit having to break that to them. But my sister almost had to go to IA (School for those troubled in some form) and she had 5 F's last year sooo... I don't know why they thought she got it? I feel like shit saying that, but it's true.
I'm still struggling with self harm. I hate it. Last night I called my friend (one I'm hanging out with on Thursday) and I had so much fun. I just felt so happy and joyed. I kept joking around with stuff and even though they didn't take it that way for some of it, I couldn't stop feeling so giddy. Even after the call, I felt really really joyful until 2 a.m or so? Then I sat there and stared at my wall and realized how much I hate parts of myself and how being depressed and too lazy to do certain things really puts me back with hobbies and personal goals.
I woke up this morning and that joy was all gone. I really wish is was still here. When I'm manic I literally get SO much done. I deep clean my room, do my hair and my makeup really nice, I stay ontop of everything, I am really social, I am outgoing and confident. Then that high wears off and I'm here again, just feeling horrible. Why must the depressive phases last for fucking ever only to have a manic phase that lasts 5 minutes. It's is so annoying that I'd literally bash my head into my wall. It just agh, it really sucks.