11 / 03 / 2021
Let me catch you up with everything.
1. I relapsed with self-harm, several times. It got quite bad and I think I'll now have scars for atleast a few years. Some are raised and all are beat red, and all I'm ashamed of. My mom saw my stomach some from my tanktop and told me sister to get out, she told me to raise my top and that's when I knew I was in deep shit. My dad and brother found out. My brother trashed my room and broke a few things, my dad was reassuring of them trying to help me but made a poor job at understanding my part. "I can't and wont stop you from committing suicide. If you do, you do. Nothing I could've done different". WHAT. You do know that about 60% of all my problems started with YOU, right?
2. I am going on a date with this guy named Steven this Saturday. I'm really excited because he's really cool, we have a lot of fun talking, and I'm just ready to do more stuff with my life.. As it is quite bland right now. When I think about this other guy though. The one that (I think) I have mentioned before, I would give up this guy entirely if it meant that me and him would get together and go further. But, if I started dating Steven, it wouldn't be fair to like someone else in that manner while being with him. But I don't know. We haven't even dated yet, so I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
3. Been really depressed. I wish I was the person I was around 2 months ago. Into crystals, meditation, subliminals, getting better. But now I'm too tired to even think about doing any of that stuff. Music is annoying, waking up is horrible, and simply existing is becoming more of a chore as the days wane by. Doing stuff with people though has helped a lot. Gets my mind off of everything and allows me to be more happy. But, I'm trying to break this depressive cycle that I keep going into. Read some articles today about it all and I'm going to try everything I read. I believe I can feel better, I know that my depression wont magically go away or parts will be completely solved... But I think I can alleviate some of my pain.
4. All-District audtions are this weekend. I'm excited for them! It's really early in the morning but I am looking forward to experiencing it one last time, since it's my senior year and all. But, I think I'll be able to make it in districts atleast. State I'm not sure? Depends on how hard the audition music is and how much time I have to prepare for it. But overall, I'm happyI can participate in this event.
5. I'm going to get a second job.. Work isn't giving me enough hours and I need more money. Especially with Christmas coming around and the condition that my car is in. But let's hope I can get the one that I am going for!
Hopefully I journal in this sooner than the last entry, but we'll see. I'm crossing my fingers that these meds I'm on help more than my last one and that I feel more happy.