01 / 05 / 2022

I relapsed.

WHY THE FUCK DID I. I was seriously doing great. Now I know I said I threw away my blades but I had this one taped to my diary with a poem (Poem was about self-harm, the razor blade acted as the title) and I went, ripped it out, then did I was usually do. I did it REALLY bad too. Like I'm physically hurting right now. I threw it ALL out this morning and I will not do it again. This is repitition at this point... Saying I wont but then i will. I'm like a little kid who can't be left alone. Because if I am then I'll do something bad.

Other than feeling like an absolute piece of shit, I hungout with one of my friends today. That guy who is always there for me. He sent some really throughtful text messages the other day and they were nice... He always mentions how I write about it. Whether it be in my own journal or on here. I truly don't say much about him here and I do in my journal sometimes but I think he thinks it's a lot. When it really isn't. Kinda reminds me of a self-centered person. Which I am in no means calling him one, since he isn't. But it's just what it all reminds me of.

Tonight my dad made a yummy cheese brocolli soup. It is SO good omg and I just wanna chug it.

I don't feel like I can love anymore. I never like anyone enough to want to date them and the moment someone says they like me I feel like I'm leading them on. I wish I knew why. I remember loving someone and how it felt and I loved that euphoric feeling. I loved being excited to see them and I loved smiling at them. Shining my pearly whites for the world to see because I was so happy. But now? Now I just sit here in silence. Not smiling, because the world is no longer here. Why can't I find happiness? Why can't I just wake up and think WOW!! I'M ALIVE AND I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE ANOTHER DAY! : -D But yeah it's more like, Oh fuck.

I was so happy, now I'm just back at square one. Restarting the same cycle I always do. It's getting to be too much. I'm real tired.
5:58 p.m

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