01 / 02 / 2022
Yesterday was amazing. I did feel sad for about half of it and didn't want to do anything but I still did stuff because I know that's how you battle depression. Today I worked and that wasn't bad. Only 3 and 1/2 hours but the whole time I was in the backroom doing stuff and it was freezing. I think it was like 45 degrees back there. But tonight I am planning on being productive. I want to practice violin, clean my room, do my laundry, and just relax.
Yesterday I tried to meditate before bed and I think it went well. I was listening to this video that helps you become closer to your higher self and I was just breathing deeply. I could imagine things so vividly and it was cool. Tonight I'm going to try to read more of my Spiritual Growth book and some of another book and I'm reading, Thorns of Darkness which is getting SPICYYY!! :-)
After work I had to talk with my parents about their behaviour. My brother went to therapy for the first time the other day and they think he has Borderline Personality Disorder (my uncle has it). They discussed childhood trauma and how it's obvious my brother has it. My brother became extremely honest with my parents. He told my dad he was abusive and he is the reason why him, my sister, and I are the way we are. He told them to give him time away and to not talk to him until he comes to them. So, as expected, I came home and talked to them about my personal feelings. I told my dad he was abusive. Physically to my brother and mentally and emotionally to us all. I remember this one time when I was younger he called me a slut just because I wasn't listening. Or when he told my brother to kill himself. Or when he screamed at us all over and over as my mom was a bystander. There is so much more but some of it I shouldn't mention and other parts are too inappropriate. I discovered my sister was almost raped. I also discovered what bad things my drunk and drug ridden grandpa did to us. All of these gaps in my memory... I really want to know what happened. I remember having this babysitter.. This older man, probably in his 40s, rotten black teeth. I remember sitting on his lap and he came towards me and I can visualize his mouth so well. I remember being in a dark room and not being allowed out with him. I don't want to go further. I'm too scared to know what happened next.
Sometimes I wish I could open my head and reconnect the wires. To discover what's really hiding in the crevices, the dirt that's stuck. I can only wish so much. But I'm sure if I knew I'd want to forget.
I'm sure it's time for me to hop into my scheduled routine. Time to keep changing these usual habits to create better ones.