01 / 01 / 2022
New year, new me. Atleast I hope.

I want to start this year on a new foot but it feels weird. I feel so sad. When bad things happen, like a relapse. I never suspect it coming and then it comes and hits me hard and I think... Wow, who would've thought this would happen to me, what would me from yesterday think? I worry that as everyday passes by, at some point I'm going to snap and something will happen. Something bad.

I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions. I think they're just a lame excuse to escape accountability. Why wait all year to start what you desire to have and want? Just admit that you're lazy. I tend to stray towards starting my goals whenever. But, since I threw out my blades the other day, my goal is to not selfharm. It's one that I think I can do. Like right now it is IMPOSSIBLE not to think about it. But, I think with time and some daily good affirmations I can change.

I want to transform this next month. I want to reassure myself that I am great and everything will come out okay. That it will all be worth it and something to strive for. That I won't want to die. Because there is so much good and crazy that'll come that I just HAVE to see it. I want to start a few new habits. I feel like I'm highly contradicting myself right now. Y'know the whole New Years is an excuse. But I'm literally talking about New Years Resolutions. Bane of my own existence right? But anyways, here is what I want to do...

1. Go to the gym atleast 3 times a week. Now I already go atleast once a week and I enjoy working out but I just want to go more. This is attainable because I already go? It isn't like some brand new thing for me, I used to go almost everyday.

2. Meditate more and get closer to my higher self. Remember this phase I always reference? The one where I was all into crystals and self-help? Yeah I want to bring that back. I need to stop reminincing on what was and focus on the now. So, starting whenever I wake up I am going to put all of this into full force. I'm aiming to meditate atleast once or twice a week. I also want to read more of my self-help books. I think that'll help a lot with the tug of war I have going on in my head.

3. Schedule therapy appoitments more often. I'm horrible at this, like really really horrible at it. I just never go and I should go, I need to. But I always dismiss it.

4. Love myself more and be grateful for my body (aka. my temple).

I'm thinking this is all right now. I hope to just make 2022 less scary and more worthwhile all around. Crossing my fingers I don't end up relapsing anytime soon or taking my own life. I actually had this horrible gut feeling earlier that this was my last year. I almost felt happy about it. Knowing that at any moment I can just end it. It's all in my own hands. I guess it's not so horrible then. Just confusing. But, whether it's my last or not... Let's make it great!
12:24 a.m

This nicely depicts my mind right now.
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