02 / 05 / 2022
I haven't been feeling the best.
I gave my dearest friend a book I wrote entirely for him the other day. It was around 40 pages long and I included a very detailed painting inside. We had a rather heartfelt conversation afterwards on it. He hasn't talked to me since because I talked about some things he did which hurt me mentally. I've gotten closer to another one of my friends. We talked a lot and discovered that he has a dark depression going on. So I am hoping to help him some with it by providing the coping mechanisms that I have learned.
I've written a lot of letters recently, detailing my life situation and how I feel. I don't know if I would consider these suicide notes. But, I guess that's what they are probably seen as. I'm just not doing good. I was dumb and googled a lot of stuff on how to take my own life painlessly and I discovered a lot and it wasn't a good thing to do because now I am seriously contemplating some stuff. When I was at this point last year before my first suicide attempt I didn't know as much as I know now. But now, I just am empty. I'm not afraid and I'm happy. I know that amazing things are happening right now. I am going to go into college... I am making more friends as of recent... I haven't self harmed in a while... Life is supposed to feel good. But it doesn't. My depression is at a all time low, my medication was just changed, everyday I am struggling with horrible suicidal ideation, I've been having homicidal thoughts, I am just in the fucking trenches.
I don't know what to do. I don't think I'll work on this a lot. Probably not for a while. I don't know what's going to happen or where I'm going to go next.
Oh, and another thing (totally neglecting all of this dark talk I just did) I am PISSED at html and CSS because I have no clue how to fix the resolution on this site. Which angers me because I do want to work on it and I do enjoy messing around with it but this seems like a really big thing that I want to fix and I just don't know how.
Getting back to the topic at hand though, I won't be messing with this for a while. I don't know how long but until I figure out this stupid issue with this websites resolution and figure myself out I won't be messing with anything online. Peace out. Let's hope I don't do anything stupid that I may or may not regret.