12 / 08 & 11 / 2021
Today this friend of mine talked with me after school and he said a lot of stuff which meant a lot, a lot. He told me that he worries coming to school sometimes that I'd be dead and his friend will come up saying, Are you okay? I heard Alex killed herself. He told me how much I meant and while that is very important to me what stuck with me the most was how he phrased it all. Telling me that I am in control and to think about not only the high I get from self harm, but to think of its consequences and what it brings. The pain that'll follow.
I don't mind the pain though, because there is none. Recently I've noticed that I don't fear suicide anymore. Do I want to kill myself? Yes. Do I still want to live and see what the future brings? Yes.
It's all so conflicting because I do want to bleed out, I do want to overdose, and I do want to hang myself but I also am excited to see what college brings and how my senior year ends. I don't know what to do. I know I'll always have problems and I know that these feelings of mine will go up and down but I'm scared. Some nights I come home and sit down to decide what I'll do with my time and I will cut because I have nothing better to do. Why not do it if I am bored? But I just want to see what happens. I want to know if I'll die or not because if I do will I feel upset? Partially... But I would also be happy.
Does all of this techinically make me suicidal?
As I'm writing this I'm siting on the recliner in my familys livingroom. My dad just hit my dog with a hammer and was yelling. I don't like living here. After my suicide attempt my parents went soft. They weren't so confrontational, but they slowly are being more of that. My dad has become closed off. He comes home, says hi, goes to his room, then says nothing. Rarely is he loving. My mom has more breakdowns and she is also more closed off. I can't wait to leave. Yes, I'll come back for the holidays and yes, I will communicate. But, not in the manner I do now. I'm just waiting for me to go off the rails though, that'll really determine what happens next.