12 / 27 / 2021
So I am tired of the person that I am. Cool! :- D

I've made a new internet friend! They are super cool and me and him have been chatting non-stop. He isn't creepy or intrusive and we are close in age. He lives in Scotland so I don't have to worry about someone coming to find me in my sleep (atleast for now). But it's been refreshing talking to someone online again. I don't mind socializing in person but as obvious I am bad at it and get tired of it really quickly. He has also been helping me talk and open up about mental illness and personal problems. So overall, 10/10.

I taped my envelope of blades today. So, I cant "technically" get to them. I can OBVIOUSLY BUT!! I have courage and I am deadset on not harming myself tonight or tomorrow. Not only for me, but for my friend who encourages me that I can be stronger. Damn, I love him. I have work tonight. I haven't been looking forward to it as I just don't want to go but I am going to try to be happy about it. It can be worse. It could be Saturday and I could be working some 9 hour shift like I did in the past. But it isn't that! It is a 5 hour (probably 6, with closing and this big sale we have going... It takes longer to count money) but a 5 hour shift with a sale. So, hopefully it goes by quickly. Crossing my fingers on it. But, I leave in about 20 minutes for it so let's hope this is finished by that point.

I am watching the new fnaf game from Markiplier. It's really fun to revisit things that I used to fixate on a lot as a younger kid. It just makes me comfy and nostalgic. Such a nice feeling. I'm hoping to sketch some of the characters in a while, maybe tonight after work! So I can just have fun and be a kid again. I've been the only one home today so I have been prepared by carrying a knife with me allllllll day. I don't trust people. ever. and I often feel scared of people coming into the house or bothering me. Which is why I keep a knife in my car and carry pepper spray. But, today the dogs have stayed in to keep me company and I've gotten a lot done!

Today I went to the gym, practiced violin really well, journaled, watched youtube, ate food... Just a good day. I felt really empty today and just sad. So, I know the best thing to do when you are feeling really depressed is to just go through the motions like usual. So that's what I did. I think it worked out nicely. Because now I don't feel so sad and empty and I am actually kinda looking forward to the rest of today. Go to work, get off, go home, then reward myself with youtube and maybe icecream. Exciting night planned.

Everyday this week I am practicing violin for the upcoming All-District performance on the second weekend of January. I am a little nervous because I want to impress people and seem like this amazing player. But this friend I have that is always here for me told me not to worry because I'll do great. Which is something I am choosing to believe in. Because I will do good and it will be fun, it'll go smoothly and I will impress because I am good. So, I'm using that as an affirmation and just trying to believe in myself. I want to thank him for everything that he says. It does so much for me, him being here. I don't know how else to thank him other than making sure he knows that I would jump infront of a train for him. I really would.

Well, it is time for me to go to work. Let's have a good night. And to anyone who actually reads all of these entries thank you, I hope you have a good night too.

4:24 p.m

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