01 / 14 / 2023
The year so far has seemed rather dreary. I finally left my boyfriend of almost a year. I've grieved most of my relationship with him while in it, since I realized I'd never get what I wanted out of it. I didn't want anything crazy. I just wanted to feel loved, cared for, wanted. But, he'd never give it to me. It started with me having conversations on how I just wanted to feel appreciated. I wanted love letters, roses sometimes, I wanted to feel sexy to him. I wanted him to sexually yearn for me. I did for him. Though, he'd compliment me and appreciate it at times, it would never be a routine thing. I wouldn't always see it from him. It started with conversations, then letters, then songs. But he never truly got me. He'd furrow his brows and look hurt that I felt that way, he said "I'll try", but then he never did. It became a repetive thing. After the 5th time I saw clearly how he wouldn't change for me. He didn't love me enough too.
But now that it's over I feel like I was punched in the heart. I couldn't move on without writing a letter. It was a 5 page letter consisting of the venom I felt for him and the way he treated me. Right after I left he asked his ex-wife if she wanted to move up here to live with him. I felt betrayed... Then it all clicked for me. He never truly loved me. I was there to fill his void. The pain he felt from her cheating on him. I was a waste of time. He tried to baby trap me and tried to make me his wife. He just wanted control over me.
But it has been hard. Every morning I sit in bed and listen to sad music that really shows off my feelings. it's making it hard to do things everyday. Because I lay there and think about everything. I wonder how far it's going to take me. If I'll go and do something that isn't good for me. I don't like thinking about that stuff but it definity arises my mind.