01 / 18 / 2023
I feel really weird right now. Last night I went to talk to my ex for closure and understanding on both halves of our relationship. I woke him up and he sat up to look at me and his face was just smothered in sadness. It was really hard to see him like that. I really enjoyed seeing him though, I imagined what it would've been to have laid down with him in bed, cuddling and just being there for eachother.
I wish my words got through to him sooner, as I believed that if he listened we would've blossemed into somthing phenomenal. But he didn't. He recognizes his own faults and says he can clearly see what went wrong and how his actions affected everything. We showed eachother sad songs that we were listening to. His consisted of songs that discussed holding onto the memories. While mine discussed the aftermath of a breakup... Staying up because you can't sleep only to sleep through the whole day afterwards, bordering on stupid decisions because you can't take the overwelming emotions. Lastly, wishing it all didn't happen and that everything was okay, better even. But he held my hand during it and it felt nice. After sitting in his room for an hour we went out to his car so he could smoke a cigarette. We just looked at eachother in sadness.
I just wanted to throw myself at him and hug him and kiss him. But, that isn't right of me. I can't just go back to someone who did me wrong. I don't know if I ever could. Would they even learn their lesson at that point? I don't know. But we left his car and stood outside and just hugged eachother. He kissed my cheek and I held onto him tightly. When we finally released we just stared at eachother. I felt like maybe we could've teleported back in time as I looked into his eyes. I finally broke contact and turned around to leave. I faced him once again as he did too. I told him I wanted him to be happier today. To do something that brings him joy. But, alas, I can't control that. I turned around to get in my car and he walked to get back inside. I put on the most depressing music on my 30 minute drive home. I came home to stare at my ceiling for hours. Wishing it could've all been a dream. But it isn't. Such a painful journey.
I'm just trying to stay strong. My ex-girlfriend hit me up yesterday. Which actually made me really happy. I've missed her and she offered to take me out to breakfast to catch up which I'm hoping to do in the next few days. I'm also trying to improve myself. I've been journaling a lot and focusing on my mental health. I know it'll take time to be over this breakup but I'm trying to do my best to be strong in the meantime.
Just going to try to keep being strong and keeping in touch with people. If I falter I'll fall hard. So, hoping to avoid that.