October 19th, 2026

analog daydreaming & hope

Long time no see wonderful expansive internet, you. I made myself orzo this morning with many aromatics and cooked it really slow and now I'm more ready for bed than I am for school. Schools been going well. I haven't been in an academic atmosphere in a long time, so, I was worried about how I'd fare considering how well I did in highschool. I'm no deans list student anymore but I don't find myself beating myself up over having more average grades. In highschool, I'd always aim for an all A-report card and with even the slightest B+, I'd beat myself down really hard. I'm averaging around a B now, still good. Though the effort I used to press against myself to have all those A's isn't worth it anymore. I have less time now than I did then, I could police myself easily because of lack of responsibility - now I seriously choose my battles.

I just recently celebrated my 1-Year Wedding Anniversary. I feel foreign to its concept because I feel as though I've been with my spouse for forever now. Though, I had a nice time. We went to a fancier-than-average italian restaurant and I enjoyed a few mixed drinks and the waitress brought me a rose and a card for a free appetizer next visit (which is a huge deal for this restaurant, considering an appetizer is near $20). My spouse bought me a yarn swift and winder - something I've been yapping about for over a year now. I've never bought one myself because I couldn't justify the $120+ just on a quality swift alone and 3 records - one which I was suprised they even thought of buying because it's only I who listen to them. But, the day following our anniversary - I wound yarn all day long and admired the new additions to my physical media collection.

I'm still working the same ole food service job to aid me along until I get something new next summer, I don't talk to my family much anymore. My mom reached out to me - wanting to rekindle as usual - and I responded this time. I don't intend to resume frequent communication at all, I still feel rocky about my family. When somethings wrong, it's wrong. I don't know how to overcome this philosophy of forgiving for the sake of a bloodline. My brother is even on a new continent and I never said goodbye to him. I feel as though I'm from no family other than that which has been made with my spouse. Ever since school's started, I haven't been around too many new people in a meaningful way. I was hanging out with a friend before school started semi-frequently for a moment. I was enjoying our time spent together. I really want to know how they're doing, one of our last conversations they mentioned possibly working two jobs just to be independent from living with others, a much needed relief for them. I wonder if they're doing that? Because I already exist with a rather minimal social battery, I don't reach out to people much. I do what I need to in school and I go home. I've attempted to make myself particiapte in campus events, but I just can't bring myself to go to them when I'd rather be somewhere else. I believe it all comes down to feeling deeply tired, I haven't been sleeping super well because of random cramping that's been plaguing me. I'm hoping that soon, I can figure out a way to lift the heavy burden of occasional hopelessness and maintain hope for the quality of life I'm working towards.

Recreationally, I've been doing lots. I'm over halfway through the ZickZack scarf by Christy Kamm off Ravelry. I feel very ignited to work on it daily considering how quickly the Midwest has went from a wet heat to a windy chill. I'm almost done with one of the arms of the LoupyStudio Loupystripecardi which is being done with a lot of scrap yarn that I have. When I finish both projects I'll be sure to insert some photos on here. I've taken up mending a quilt I've had for a few years too, which feels oddly healing. Stitching back together fraying patchwork blocks almost feels like patching parts of myself back together. I have quite the season ahead of me for crafting. I have two in-laws who are pregnant. I really want to make baby knits for them. One of them is kinda that beige mom trope, and the other is alternative. I feel excited at the prospect of knitting a little cardigan and seeing a baby in it. A very worthy contestant of my time lol.

I'm looking forward to getting through the rest of this semester and just trying to do the best I can. Everything's going alright and I'm excited for the winter to come. In the midst of finishing all my WIPs (Work's in progress), trying to make some baby knits, mending a quilt, journaling, and all the things I have to do outside the home - I'm going to try to knit my spouse and I nice beanies this year. I bought some very nice yarn that's from Germany and pools beautifully. It'd feel nice to go to a Christmas light show at the end of year and have a photo of us together with the beanies done. Little physical manifestations of love. See you soon.
01:27 p.m