To speak for me today, I'm choosing to evoke what I feel to be a close friend of my personality to show you who I am at this moment in time.
I'm like a raspberry I suppose, I used to use the comparison that I was a wandering ghost and/or a wallflower. I never wanted to stick out, nor did I enjoy doing so. Sticking out meant being a threat to everything in it's existence, because I was, always, somehow, not apart of everything else. The marks I left on this dish or the lights I'd forget to turn out weren't ever questioned by who stumbled upon it next. In their mind, they just forgot to wipe the dish down properly or they forgot to turn off the bedroom light in their hurry of a life.
I pulled myself away from the light of existence so harshly because I knew if I was hurt in anyway I'd not recover from said hurt. Though now, feeling as berry-esq as I do feel, I'm not afraid to be smushed. The beautiful muted magenta complexion of a raspberry doesn't lose it's beauty when smashed inbetween fingers. Even if those fingers meant to hurt that raspberry, it's defiance in destruction will persist on it's perpetrators fingers, they will remember. Washing your hands doesn't eliminate the evidence that easily.
Then when someone walks past them, they'll see the blood of it and they'll know who is who and why is why and everything will make sense.
The fear of being destroyed through endeavors of bravery and sacrifice in the eyes of a failing nation or my own integrity isn't scary, it's exciting. I want to fail now and while I have a destructive streak of perfectionism inside, I'm so excited to fail. When I fail I get to wake up and try again. Then every again includes new ways of getting to that product again, so I just grow and grow and I propegate my environment and before you know it, all there will be are raspberries.
The year has been good and I am feeling good! I have been investing myself into a lot of my hobbies more. I bought myself a new piano, it's odd how passion filled I became when I finally had it set up. The previous keyboard I had was rather worn and a few keys didn't work. Though this one is sleek and has pedal attachments and a bench. It feels nice to feel like I can invest in an interest and it actually pay off.
I'm trying hard right now to better learn how to focus. I am trying to read more and while I see the benefit quickly with expanding my vocabulary, having new ideas and topics to study, and being more offline. I need to build my stamina for some of the books I want to conquer. Reading anything that isn't fiction can be difficult for me because I feel like I can't really read it but rather I have to study it. Which makes for a read which feels more like I'm being forced to complete a school project.
I'm doing good.