01 / 22 / 2025

I am exhausted in every way you could possibly be.
I have been working a lot, which I'm very happy about. But, I am having to pick and choose how to spend my little free time which is a difficult thing for me. Why couldn't a day be 70 hours and why couldn't the human body be built to not be tired until everything that you wanted to get done that day got done? Yes I can work a 9 hour shift, but I really want to watch these movies and work on this project afterwards but unfortunatly my legs are screaming at me and my mind is melted... So, bed time I guess. Then the next day goes the exact same way.

I am a very reward motivated person and I always find my crochet and craft projects to be a rewarding thing. If I slave away for 70 hours on this cardigan the reward is the finished product. But if it takes me 3 months to make it then I find wanting to work towards that reward to be a useless task. I think I am so used to living fast that nothing can be slow. It's like my damaged nervous system can't get out of fight or flight. Which I think hurts me a lot. Because I enforce it onto other people. Especially those I care for. I can't wait for people to figure themselves out, because I need to know now. I try not to see people as I see myself. But I always wonder why people wouldn't prioritize certain things as much as I have. What do you mean you don't pick up a self help book because it's not entertaining? What? It's supposed to be educational and help you, not make you quiver on the edge of your seat with a whodunit.
I guess it makes me espcially mad when people recognize their problems and hardships in their daily lives and refuse to work on them. If you know you're an impulsive person and if you know you have a tendency to shut down at confrontation... Why don't you go to therapy, talk to some family, find a library book specialized on it? How do you sit there in the filth that is a bad habit?